MY FEELINGS ARRIVING AT HOME AFTER THE DATE.

 2 MINUTES AFTER. (Time to go home).

I write this here cause I don't want to loose it.
I arrived at home, went to the living room, support myself on the wall, fall down and started crying and crying.

My process of self-care and catharsis in February could not have begun in a more surreal way. It is 6 in the morning in Spain, day 2 already. In one hour I must get up to go to work. But I have not slept. I've been writing, thinking and crying all night. It was great until the 31st of January. I just had to make the appointment time, that's all. For day 1. At 4: 00 p. M. Okay. The problem I looked by myself ... I contacted a person from the past. Someone I have not seen in ten years. An ex boyfriend, with whom I spent 8 years. From 19 to 27 almost. Ten years are enough, are not they? He has a historical document that I always wanted to access as a historian and history teacher. The relationship ended very badly: infidelity, lies. But ten years is enough. For me they are .... if the past is not stirred. He has just returned with his partner after 8 months of separation. He has 2 daughters. He crossed two provinces to bring me the document. He lied to his wife, nobody in our city knows he came to see me. No one on their part knows that we have been in contact. He asked me if I just wanted the document or it was an excuse for something else. I do not understand anything. I replied that I wanted the document and what I had said initially, that the past was past, on my part was buried, we could have coffee as adults; But I understood that I could disturb the mother of his daughters and had no intention of making a certain paper because I had already been there. He started talking about 2007, the end of the relationship. I asked him not to do. But he went on. He lied again, I know he's lying because 10 years ago, even though he did not know it, I overheard a conversation accidentally. Another time of talk about old friends, and back to 2007. No, please. More talk and 2007 again. I made a stop sign with my hand and he said nothing. "Are you okay?" ... "Yes." More talk and we left. Strange farewell. In Spain we always give ourselves two kisses, one on each cheek, the inertia did not go to the cheek. He says he does not know why he came back three weeks ago with the mother of his daughters ... he gives me partial information: I infer, by cometary, that he left her 8 months ago, I do not know why, he said on the phone that he was going to explain something That, he did not. I do not understand anything. When he got home the conversation continued through Wassap. "I made him very happy, he had been expecting this coffee for 10 years, it was more than he could imagine, he would like us to take another tomorrow (today)" .... I told himThat I was confused ... that talking about the past and leaving unanswered questions I did not like. He told me that he had to tell me something about the breakup, he recognized by phone part of the truth, the rest in person if I wanted to, or else he did not mind not talking about it again if I would want, he does not want me to get angry. I do not know how to make him understand that the problem is that I do not understand anything, not that I'm angry, I'm not. I only know that in a desperate attemp he understood me I linked him my personal blog vía emai, the one I have already linked here, the one that makes so wel writing in, and whose last push was given by Wentworth Miller. But it has too much information, and 10 minutes later I sent another mail asking him not to read, even speak about him, and phrases that marked me during the relationship. From the moment we made the appointment. Too much information: in bad hands it makes me vulnerable. It's going to be 7 a.m. I "have cooled" and today I will not go to work .... I do not know what the hell I'm going to teach in this state. Luckily he does not speak English even though he gets here, the translators are a suck. The fact is that I do not know WHAT HELL HE WANTS !!!! ??? WHAT DOES HE WANT??? Prison Break, Nursing: "What do you want from me?" , I ask myself the same question ... I know that running away from jail is not ... You have to throw a little humor after a crazy night and crying every 15 minutes .... I really do not cry,the ears fall ... I do not know why .... Frustration? I suppose ... I expected more clarity if there was anything to be said clear. Sure. I am 37 years, he 40 ... I have a few milligrams of tranquimazin (an anxiolytic) ... I have not written too much, but the little I have written has been long (never so much as this). I know this is not a psychologist and I apologize in advance, but if someone reads me and this seems interesting, I think I need an ear and an advice ... Where there was fire, there are embers ... With how calm I I was ... I made a mistake, right? I still have feelings. I felt hurt because he seemed to continue his life as if nothing had happened in 2007: he bought a motorcycle, burned the night ... He took a load off: me ... And we were getting married ... Because he wanted it like that, not me .... Fucking karma, I do not understand anything. Thank you for allowing me to share it. Good Morning. Kisses and hugs from Spain.

 Confused Jo March....I think I still have feelings, and he too.... I made a big, very big mistake taking contact with him for only a book as much as its historical value....

I Know I have the enormous luck of being readng for a lot of people from a lot places..... I think i need some advices. You can comment if you want. Very gratefull. Thank you so much.

Jo March.