NOW, I HOPE YOU ARE RIGHT.
1/31/2017.
Yesterday, January 30 , I did not remember until a moment ago, it was 21 years since I met one of the people who has disappointed me most in life. It's not an ex-boyfriend, or an ex-partner. It was a friend, or so I believed for a few years (not many), in stages and until just a few months ago. Why? As a manipulator, a liar, for trying to take advantage of me in every way, for making me feel responsible for his actions and for things that were not my responsibility, for trying until my exhaustion, to play a role in his life that always I refused to play, for making me feel responsible for not wanting to play it, for carrying me with the responsibilities of the person who had played it, as long as it suited me, for not wanting to listen to me, for helping me end up in a hospital with an anxiety crisis Three days before an opposition exam. For all that and much more: for making me feel that I needed you because I was unable to do anything alone, neither the least task, to make me feel useless; That's the worst thing anyone can do to me.
For a few weeks I wondered if that would have a name; I deduced that yes, and that I would not like it. No matter, I do not feel that way anymore. Nobody knows. I have not told anyone. Because no one would believe that I felt this way. I was the strongest of the three. Lie. Only the toughest. I was the most independent of the three. True. I was the most autonomous of the three. True. I was the one who had the clearest ideas of the three. True, too. That's why no one knows. And it does not matter anymore, I feel good again. And this time I will not allow him to come back to my life.
I will not let you go back.
1/18/2017.
I got up at 7:00 in the morning, like every day on a daily basis, except on Thursdays. And the first thought was: I have to get in touch with him. I had dreamed with him, as on a few occasions in the last ten years; Is what you have to share 8 years of your life with someone. It had been a long time since I had wanted to read his grandfather's memories. It had been more, 12 or 13 years ago, that he had promised to lend them to me ... Why not ask them? What could happen? What did he say no? Ok. I wrote an e-mail while I was on duty. He called me. Everything was great. A little tense at first, but then almost as if time had not passed. Of course he would lend me the memories, provided, of course, I did not do anything publicly, and he would bring them to me. We would have coffee. Great.
1/31/2017.
Right now.
I expect a call to make the appointment tomorrow. I wanted to. I could even say I was excited. But someone, if you can, explain to me why my heart just shrieked and I just started crying in anguish thinking about 8 years of my life, part of those 8 years trying to justify certain facts with the words " We were very young, "when it is not true. If we were young, but between 23 and 29 years can understand many things, if you want; The key is to want. And I almost do not get excited, I almost do not feel like seeing his face, I almost prefer that the coffee is not very long; Despite the nice words he wrote for WhatsApp. Because ... imagining his smiling face, I always have the same word in mind: "paranoid",he knowing that I visited a psychologist, a psychiatrist, who was diagnosed me with depression and medicated, probably for life. Surely I will be for life. And the end. I was not paranoid .... And if it was not the word, it was the insinuation, it was always there ... Always. I thought it did not hurt anymore, I really believed it. Probably does not hurt .... Probably is only the moment .... I hope so.
If you have reached this blog, now you know part of what you did not want to hear then. The truth is that I would rather you had not arrived. If the time is right in the future, I would rather tell you face-to-face, if you are willing to listen to me. Because you were the first person I was willing to tell "all of this", long before anyone else, no matter how much it cost or hurt me. You were the first person I asked for help, even if you did not lend it to me; Because you preferred to interpret things your way, it was easier. Nothing happens. That's why, I prefer to tell you by looking at your face and seeing how you look at me.
I really wanted to see you again, to sit down again with coffee. I guess tomorrow I'll want it again. I want to suppose that tomorrow this desire will return, and that karma, very wise, has preferred to remember and to cry today, instead of tomorrow. Now I hope you are right, and I be paranoid.
See you tomorrow.
Jo March.
P.D: As I think you can see, this text is aimed at two totally different people.
P.S. 2. Incoming call .... I think I'm making a big mistake....
Yesterday, January 30 , I did not remember until a moment ago, it was 21 years since I met one of the people who has disappointed me most in life. It's not an ex-boyfriend, or an ex-partner. It was a friend, or so I believed for a few years (not many), in stages and until just a few months ago. Why? As a manipulator, a liar, for trying to take advantage of me in every way, for making me feel responsible for his actions and for things that were not my responsibility, for trying until my exhaustion, to play a role in his life that always I refused to play, for making me feel responsible for not wanting to play it, for carrying me with the responsibilities of the person who had played it, as long as it suited me, for not wanting to listen to me, for helping me end up in a hospital with an anxiety crisis Three days before an opposition exam. For all that and much more: for making me feel that I needed you because I was unable to do anything alone, neither the least task, to make me feel useless; That's the worst thing anyone can do to me.
For a few weeks I wondered if that would have a name; I deduced that yes, and that I would not like it. No matter, I do not feel that way anymore. Nobody knows. I have not told anyone. Because no one would believe that I felt this way. I was the strongest of the three. Lie. Only the toughest. I was the most independent of the three. True. I was the most autonomous of the three. True. I was the one who had the clearest ideas of the three. True, too. That's why no one knows. And it does not matter anymore, I feel good again. And this time I will not allow him to come back to my life.
I will not let you go back.
1/18/2017.
I got up at 7:00 in the morning, like every day on a daily basis, except on Thursdays. And the first thought was: I have to get in touch with him. I had dreamed with him, as on a few occasions in the last ten years; Is what you have to share 8 years of your life with someone. It had been a long time since I had wanted to read his grandfather's memories. It had been more, 12 or 13 years ago, that he had promised to lend them to me ... Why not ask them? What could happen? What did he say no? Ok. I wrote an e-mail while I was on duty. He called me. Everything was great. A little tense at first, but then almost as if time had not passed. Of course he would lend me the memories, provided, of course, I did not do anything publicly, and he would bring them to me. We would have coffee. Great.
1/31/2017.
Right now.
I expect a call to make the appointment tomorrow. I wanted to. I could even say I was excited. But someone, if you can, explain to me why my heart just shrieked and I just started crying in anguish thinking about 8 years of my life, part of those 8 years trying to justify certain facts with the words " We were very young, "when it is not true. If we were young, but between 23 and 29 years can understand many things, if you want; The key is to want. And I almost do not get excited, I almost do not feel like seeing his face, I almost prefer that the coffee is not very long; Despite the nice words he wrote for WhatsApp. Because ... imagining his smiling face, I always have the same word in mind: "paranoid",he knowing that I visited a psychologist, a psychiatrist, who was diagnosed me with depression and medicated, probably for life. Surely I will be for life. And the end. I was not paranoid .... And if it was not the word, it was the insinuation, it was always there ... Always. I thought it did not hurt anymore, I really believed it. Probably does not hurt .... Probably is only the moment .... I hope so.
If you have reached this blog, now you know part of what you did not want to hear then. The truth is that I would rather you had not arrived. If the time is right in the future, I would rather tell you face-to-face, if you are willing to listen to me. Because you were the first person I was willing to tell "all of this", long before anyone else, no matter how much it cost or hurt me. You were the first person I asked for help, even if you did not lend it to me; Because you preferred to interpret things your way, it was easier. Nothing happens. That's why, I prefer to tell you by looking at your face and seeing how you look at me.
I really wanted to see you again, to sit down again with coffee. I guess tomorrow I'll want it again. I want to suppose that tomorrow this desire will return, and that karma, very wise, has preferred to remember and to cry today, instead of tomorrow. Now I hope you are right, and I be paranoid.
See you tomorrow.
Jo March.
P.D: As I think you can see, this text is aimed at two totally different people.
P.S. 2. Incoming call .... I think I'm making a big mistake....
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